One thing I don't regret about college

I've wondered many times lately, when (ha ha, if... like it's ever going to...) life finally turns out the way I thought it would or want it to, if I'll still be so distracted by how I wish things would have gone or the regrets I have about life that I won't even be able to enjoy the good stuff when it does happen (again, insert if clause here).

The two main things I think of most often are college and marriage. I've always thought I'd be married long before now. In my better moments, I'm fine with the fact that I'm still single. But those better moments only come when my dating life is healthy or full of potential--these moments don't happen frequently. I'm sure there will be plenty more on that later; for now we'll focus on the college issue.

I didn't want to go to college right out of high school. I was basically forced to. When your mom works her ass off for years being not only mom, but also full time co-bread-winner, and adult student (everything from undergrad to masters to PhD) partly so she can be a college professor and her kids can get free tuition... well, then, you're pretty much an ungrateful bitch if you don't go to college.

So I went to college. I hated it for three years until finally my mom saw that I wasn't happy and I wasn't even making it worth the free tuition I got. When my heart's not in it, there's no hope of success. So she let me quit. And I did. And it was good.

I've often wondered how much I could have accomplished had I those three years of my life to dictate myself. Forgetting, of course, that any of the plans I ever try to make are foiled somehow or another. But wow, I still wonder what on earth I could have made of myself with those three years under my control and not someone else's. (My regrets are typically tied to those things outside of my control. I rarely regret a decision I've made because I'm usually pretty good about weighing the consequences and deciding if I think it will or won't be worth it for me in the end.)

Today, though, for what I'm pretty sure was the first time, I recognized that I was glad I went to college. I was glad I had some of the experiences I did.

Now, beware: my brain is one of those that takes seemingly random events and links them together, making some kind of conclusion based on facts or circumstances that could very well exist without each other. For instance, I'm about to conclude that my college experience, the StrengthsFinder test I took two years ago, and recent work events are all interconnected. Yes, I'm crazy; but that's just how my brain works.

Sometimes, when I'm thinking about things like this, I unintentionally visualize my brain with all these random events, songs, movies, people, moments, books, conversations, etc just floating around above it. And somehow, lines start getting drawn from my brain to this event, and then my brain to that conversation, and then my brain to some song. And then they all kind of travel down those lines until they reach a common spot inside my brain. Ha ha! Crazy picture. But that's what you get when you mesh the way my measly little brain works with the fact that I'm a visual person!

So there I am in the bathroom today getting ready to have dinner with a friend and this strange brain-line-spot thing happens with the three random items I listed above. And I realize that one thing I'm really thankful for about college is that I was a computer science major for a while. I learned so much during that time and partly because of that, I was given the opportunity to work with the web development team. I told one of the software guys at work the other day that I know just enough about technology and software to be dangerous. I was only half joking! But really, I do know quite a bit about software, web design and coding, and computer logic. And this has proven to be quite useful at work lately. But before we get to that...

StrengthsFinder. I don't even know if I remember all of mine... three of them start with "I". Woo, Ideation, I... Oh wait! It's on Facebook! Ideation, Input, Woo, Adaptability, Includer! Woot! Ideation is the one I keep thinking of. In fact, I'd say the most useful thing I learned about myself at the time of taking that test is that I am an idea person. Basically, this means I have ideas. I can come up with tons of ideas. That's fun enough all by itself. But the freeing part for me was to realize that my strength is ideas, not follow-through, and not always being right. Point being: I can come up with all kinds of ideas; but with so many, they (obviously) aren't all going to be good. I also don't have to be the person who carries out or tries all of my ideas. My strength is to come up with the ideas.

Now, some people aren't as comfortable with that strength of mine as I have learned to be. Maybe that's because they don't realize that I'm only providing ideas. I don't expect to be right. I don't necessarily feel the need to follow up on my ideas. It's just that if I don't get them out, it's not really healthy. It's like denying a part of who I am.

So, how does all that fit in at work?

Well, I'm finding recently that I am one of those people who sees a problem, brainstorms ideas in my head, and then is able to communicate some of the better ones I believe have potential to the right parties. Usually, this ends up being some technical issue or another. Like today, for instance, when I kept seeing one certain complaint from customers. I had three similar customer concerns about our website adding a different description of an item to their cart than the one they specifically selected. Now, three in one week? That may sound small; but when you're in a job like mine, it's usually an indicator that something important is going on.

Aside: Sometimes, I mention things like this to my co-workers and they think I'm crazy. Again, I think they don't realize that I'm just throwing out ideas. I don't expect to be right. I just expect to be heard. I just want a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

So, I tell one of our web guys my idea (after having mentioned it to my co-workers who either didn't think it was a big deal, or figured it was all customer error). Just to make sure I say it, he's a very gracious man and never ever makes me feel like I'm bugging him or like my ideas aren't important or worth his time. I just IM him at first about it. He's in the middle of something, so he asks me to email him with some details and examples. I give him two solid examples with all the info he needs and then later find one more to send him.

At the end of the day, I hear back from him. And guess what? Yup, you got it: we really were adding the wrong description of an item to the customer's cart in some cases. Thank you, I'm not crazy.

So back to my bathroom moment... three lines being drawn to three things: college computer science experiences, StrengthsFinder providing me with confidence in my own ideas, and a moment at work where I experienced success involving my idea and my computer know-how . . . one common spot on my brain . . . and my next thought is, "Wow, I'm really thankful to have the knowledge, training, and experience provided to me through college to actually feel like I know what I'm talking about in cases like today."

All that to say, I had a glimmer of hope about not becoming the hardened, bitter person that I sometimes fear I am becoming. If I'm able to recognize gratefulness for a time of my life that I regret most times I remember it, then there is hope.

And maybe, if things still don't turn out the way I thought or hoped they would, I'll always be able to find a few more things to connect and make good out of them, even if they don't seem so good all by themselves.